


Gone But Not Forgotten: In Memoriam

by stargatefan_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Drama, Gen, Missing Scene, POV First Person, Season/Series 06
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-02-26
Updated: 2005-02-26
Packaged: 2018-10-07 04:12:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10352001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargatefan_archivist/pseuds/stargatefan_archivist
Summary: SPOILERS: Meridian, Redemption I, Redemption IISUMMARY: The first in a series of letters written by Jack to an ascended Daniel. This one takes place after the climax of Redemption II, but before Jonas joins the team.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Yuma, the archivist: this work was originally archived at [Stargatefan.com](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Stargatefan.com). To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [StargateFan Archive Collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/StargateFan_Archive_Collection).

Stargate SG-1 FanFiction - Gone But Not Forgotten: In Memoriam

##  Gone But Not Forgotten: In Memoriam

##### Written by Rose Adair   
Comments? Write to us at [silmarwen@linuxmail.org ](mailto:silmarwen@linuxmail.org)

  * SPOILERS: Meridian, Redemption I, Redemption II 
  * SUMMARY: The first in a series of letters written by Jack to an ascended Daniel. This one takes place after the climax of Redemption II, but before Jonas joins the team. A brief word of warning: there is a lot of anti-Jonas sentiment in this letter, so if you don't like that sort of thing, then please don't read it. 
  * RATING: PG [1st] [A] [D] [M] 



* * *

Dear Daniel,

If you were here, you’d be laughing at me for doing this.  I wouldn’t blame you if you did, Daniel, since I feel like I should be laughing at myself.  Well, I would, if any of this actually seemed funny.  On second thought, maybe you wouldn’t laugh.  Maybe you’d just sit there and look at me with those big, blue eyes and tell me you understand.  God, Daniel, at this point, I wouldn’t care which it was, as long as you were here.

Daniel, I miss you. I miss you more than I ever thought I’d miss anyone.  I can’t get used to you being gone, and it never gets any easier.  Don’t believe them if they tell you that it gets easier, because it isn’t true.  Grief never gets easier.  It just doesn’t.

It’s been three months, Daniel, but it seems a lot longer.  More like three years, I guess, but that doesn’t seem right either. It’s been three months since you... left, and the pain is as bad as if it were yesterday.   It always is, every single day.  God, Daniel, I miss you so much.

I guess I should explain why I’m writing this letter to someone who’s never going to read it. I think I’m doing it, Daniel, because I miss you, and because I need someone to talk to.  Ever since you left, I’ve felt so alone.   No one understood me like you did, no one meant as much to me as you did.  Now that you’re gone, Daniel, there’s no one left for me to really talk to.  Sure, Carter and Teal’c are there, but it just isn’t the same, and the things I want to say... well, I don’t know if they’d understand, or even if they’d want to hear them.  So I’m telling you, Daniel, because there’s no one else I can talk to.

They’d probably think I was crazy if they knew what I was doing here, but who cares? I waited to do this until I’m at home with the door locked, so they’ll never know.  Hey, maybe they’re right and I am going crazy, but it doesn’t really matter at this point.  Nothing does anymore.

It’s funny, but even saving the world doesn’t have the same zing that it used to. Even saving the world feels all wrong. I don’t know, maybe it would have been better if I’d blown up in the X-302.  At the time, that’s what I was really hoping would happen, though I’d never admit it to anyone but you.

Daniel, I’m all alone.  No one understands, not Carter, not Teal’c, not Hammond.  They all want me to move on, and apparently they managed to do that themselves. They just don’t seem to get the fact that I can’t move on, that I’ll never be able to.  I guess they don’t understand what our friendship was like, and how hard it is to go on now that you’re gone.  I guess I can’t blame them for that, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Carter smiles and chatters just the way she used to.  You should hear her sometimes, Daniel --  hell, I wish you could. Teal’c’s, well... he’s pretty much the old Teal’c.  You know what he’s like. Let’s just say that he doesn’t seem... crushed, but maybe Jaffa are better at handling these things than I am. Maybe Jaffa are like that.

You know what happened, Daniel?  Hammond’s actually making me choose another team member to replace you!  As if anyone could ever do that, even in a million years. He doesn’t seem to get the fact that you’re irreplaceable, and he doesn’t understand what it would feel like to go through the Gate and see someone else there instead of you.   It would only remind me that you were gone, and make everything worse.  I wish we could just stick with three members, but Hammond won’t listen.

Then that Russian colonel guy shows up – I can’t remember his name, Daniel, and if you were here I could ask you – and he wants us to put a Russian on the team! God, Daniel, do you know how insulting that would be?  Maybe you don’t, since you were always a lot nicer to people than I was.  I’m not even sure if I understand why it would be so bad myself, but it would be.  A Russian, for crying out loud!  It would be some foreigner, some damn accented know-it-all who carries cyanide pills and doesn’t understand chain of command.  Yeah, I know, I shouldn’t be judging them all like that, but... not a Russian, Daniel, not to replace you.

Replace you! God, Daniel.   I wish I didn’t have to say that to you, like no one cares you’re gone and we can just go through every day the way we did before. Daniel, believe me, we don’t. I... I can’t.   Nothing’s the same at all, and having to have someone else on the team in your place would be the worst.  It feels all wrong, Daniel.  As if you could ever be replaced.  That’ll be the day, Daniel.  Oh yeah, that’ll be the day.

And Teal’c... Teal’c was less than helpful, to put it mildly. We were in the commissary one day, before this whole blowing up the Gate thing started, and he suggested I put Jonas Quinn on the team!  What do you think of that one, Daniel?  At first I thought it was a joke, but it definitely wasn’t funny.  The weirdest thing is that he meant it, after everything that little twerp did, after what he was responsible for!  The best I can do to keep from killing that smirking alien every day is to try and stay away from him.  I won’t be responsible for my actions if I see too much of that man, if you can call him that.  Personally, I wouldn’t.

Sorry, Daniel, I’m getting carried away.  If it helps at all, there’s plenty more I’d like to say. I’m actually holding back.  It doesn’t seem like I’ve been doing anything else for three long months.

Carter’s too nice to that Jonas... thing.  She puts up with him and talks to him in a way I couldn’t even begin to do, and wouldn’t even if I cared enough to try. She’s just being Carter, I know, and I know she doesn’t like him. It’s obvious from the way she looks at him.  Well, if she feels like looking at that thing and listening to it talk, I guess that’s her decision. I don’t have to do it, and I don’t care.  Not after what he did to you, Daniel.  Every time I see his smirking, leering face, I remember that, and I remember how much pain you were in, Daniel, and how your eyes looked at me, so young and helpless. God, Daniel, I can’t go down that road now. It’s too much to remember even now, and God knows I relive it enough in my nightmares. Daniel, I wish you were here.

It’s been one thing after another, and none of it seems right. I know it’s stupid to think it, but it feels like everyone is turning away from me, betraying me. Hammond knows me, he knows how I feel, and yet he orders me to add another member to my team instead of you. Carter consorts with that weirdo, good-for-nothing Kelownan, for whatever reason, and Teal’c actually suggests that we put him on the team. It’s my team, for crying out loud, and I’ll do what I want to do.  Actually, I won’t, I’ll do what Hammond wants, but you know what I mean.

Do you understand now why I feel like I’m alone and there’s no one to talk to?  I didn’t even realise until you were gone what a hole you filled in my life.  And now you’re gone, and everything feels so... empty, I guess is the word.  There’s more to it than that, but I think that’s what I mean. Everything’s empty, and I’m all alone, and it’s because you’re gone, Daniel.  There’s no one left who’ll understand me and listen to me.  There’s just no one left, and that’s why I’m telling you. You always listened, Daniel, no matter what, and you were always my friend.  You still are, you know that.

Sorry, Daniel, I’m rambling here.  You just don’t know how hard it is.  How can you know, when you’re gone and I’m left here alone? God, Daniel, you can’t know what it’s like. Hell, I can’t even tell you. I never was any good with words, you know that.  I try to say what I think and I just can’t figure out how to say it.  Everything I say falls so far short of the truth, and all I can tell you is that I miss you.  That doesn’t sound like enough, Danny boy, but you’ll just have to trust me that it means a lot more, that I mean a lot more that I can’t seem to say.

Yep, we saved the world again – barely.  I guess we did, anyway.  It was... kind of complicated, and to be honest with you, I didn’t really care that much. The world is safe, and that’s the point really.  What difference does it make if I actually did it or not?

I wish you had been there, Daniel.  Carter couldn’t think of anything, no one could.  They even called in that scientist – what’s his name – from the time Teal’c got stuck in the Stargate.  Whoever he was, he couldn’t help either.   I bet you would’ve thought of something, Daniel. Actually, I know you would. You always do.   No, you did, you used to.  I guess that’s what I meant.  God, Daniel.

Daniel, I’m thinking of retiring.  There’s nothing left for me now, and every time I go through the Gate, all I can think of is that you’re not there.  It’s not worth it anymore.  I know they can handle things without me.  Hell, what good am I anyway?  I couldn’t even manage to keep one archaeologist safe.  They don’t need me.  Maybe it would be better if I left.  Then I could stop avoiding your office because you’re not there and – Jonas – is. I hate to see him there, I hate to think of him there.  God, Daniel, this is all wrong.  Why can’t anyone else see that?

The only problem with retiring is that I’d have nothing but time to think, and with all the stuff I’ve been trying for years to forget, almost anything’s better than that, even going through the Stargate day after day and knowing that you’re gone and you’ll never come back.  Daniel, I just don’t know what to do.  I wish you were here to help.  That’s kind of funny, isn’t it?  I mean, if you were here, I wouldn’t have this problem in the first place.  There’s irony for you. I’m cracking up here.

Whatever. Daniel, I...   You’re not even here, and I’m writing you a letter like an idiot, and I still can’t find the right words!  You’d think there would be a time when all that would end, but it doesn’t.  Nothing seems to end anymore.  God, I wish I’d died on the X-302.  That’s part of the reason I volunteered.  Well, that and the fact that Carter was going, and losing another member of my team would have been too much.  I wish I’d died, though. At least it would have been the end, for once.

Well, I didn’t die, and I guess I’ll just have to face that. I’m always the lucky one, aren’t I, Daniel?  When you were lying there on your deathbed, where was I?  Hell, I was fine, doing nothing but watch it happen.  I’ve been living on luck for so many years that I guess it just doesn’t know when to quit, and somehow I don’t even know how to give up, at this point.  Danny, I think I’ve been fighting too long.  It’s hard to let go now, even if I want to.

Maybe... Daniel, this is going to sound silly, but, hell, this whole letter is silly, so whatever.  Sometimes, I think, I feel like I’m going to see you somehow. I know, it doesn’t make any sense. I don’t really even know what happened to you, or if you’re even all right.  How can I?  Most of the time, it just seems like you’re dead.  You’re gone, Daniel, and it comes to the same thing, I guess.  I wish I could stop hoping, too, but I can’t.   Too many habits, Daniel, too many habits.

God, Daniel, I’m glad I decided to tell you this.  I can’t imagine anyone else actually listening to me ramble on and on about it.  I can’t even imagine telling anyone else this stuff.  I bet you never realised that I told you things I didn’t tell anyone else. I bet you never got the fact that there was a reason I told you what I did.  You were always so damn self-effacing that you didn’t get things like that, Daniel.  God, Daniel, I miss you.

Sometimes all a man has left are his memories.  That’s all I have left of you, Daniel, that and a few pictures that look so real that I think they’re about to talk to me sometimes. They just really look so much like you, Daniel, that they’re almost alive.  What would they all think at the SGC if they heard me talking like this? They’d think I was nuts, Daniel, that’s what they’d think.  That’s why they don’t know, and why they never will.

I never was any good at talking, Daniel.  I guess what I’m trying to say here is that all I have left are memories now, but they’re memories that I treasure with all my heart. I always will, Daniel, and I’ll never forget.  Even time won’t make it any easier that you’re gone.  It’s true, Daniel, it really is.  I want you to believe that.

I’m losing it, Daniel.  I’m sitting here writing a letter to someone who’ll never read it, and bawling while I write.  Stupid, stupid, stupid. Oh well, that’s why I’m doing it here, where no one will see or hear me, where no one will look in and see me crying my heart out for you like this.  God, Daniel, I miss you.  But if you saw me, you wouldn’t care.  You always knew I had more feelings than I showed, even at the beginning. You always knew a lot about me, Daniel. Everyone else was stuck with the hard soldier look on the outside, but you knew me better.

I guess that’s part of the reason I’m crying for you.   Hell, I can’t even explain why.  I never was any good at that.  All I can say is that I miss you, I really miss you, and that doesn’t seem like anywhere near enough for someone like you, Daniel. Nothing does, I guess. You were like that, Daniel. It was hard to say what I meant about you.  There was always way too much to say, for one thing, and I never was much of a talker.

God, I’m tired.  I think it was writing to you like this, and actually trying to tell you how I feel. I’m not used to that, but I trust you, Daniel.  That’s part of the reason I can tell you and no one else.  Well, I guess it was the writing and the crying.  I’m only a big softie after all, Danny boy, but then I think you always knew that.

I think it’s helped me to write to you.  Somehow, it made it seem like you were nearby somewhere, listening to me.  I wish you really were, Daniel.  I wish you were here, but you know that.  I guess I keep saying that because I can’t think of anything else to say, but I want you to know how much it means to me.  I wish I could say things like you could.  I wish I could tell you what I really mean.  Hell, Daniel, what does it matter now?  What does anything matter now?

I should really go to bed now, Daniel.  I’m really tired and it’s getting late.  I don’t know why I care about rest anymore.   Hell, Daniel, we both know I won’t be getting any sleep tonight.  I can’t even remember when was the last time I had a good night’s sleep.  I don’t think I even care.

I’ll write again, Daniel, I promise.  I will never forget you or stop being your friend, even if you’re not here. No matter what, Daniel, I’ll miss you as much as I ever did, and you’ll always be my best friend.

Writing helps, Daniel.  It’s nice to be able to talk to you again, even if this is the only way I can do it. It makes me feel less alone somehow, like you’re there watching over me all the time, like you know what I’m going through.  God, Daniel, I miss you. I wish I could see you again.

I won’t say goodnight, and I always hated goodbyes.   I’ll talk to you later, Daniel, when I can. And even when I’m not writing, just know I’ll be thinking about you.  I always am anyway, so that’s a promise I know I’ll keep.

Three months without you, Daniel.  I can’t believe it’s been that long.  Three months and you’re still gone.  Somehow I keep hoping...  Never mind, Daniel, not a good idea.  I’d just better get used to the idea that you aren’t coming back.

God, Daniel.  Nothing’s the same without you anymore.  I miss you so much.

Your best friend,

Jack

**The End**

  


* * *

> December 16, 2004 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp.  
> The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters  
> who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names,   
> titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.   
> 

* * *

  



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